Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Randomize
