I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Randomize
