he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
