I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
