So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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