No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Randomize
