i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Hippo gnu deer
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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