Kareoke will never be a sober sport
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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