Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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