before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
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I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I still have a little drunk in my system
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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