every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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