3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
