Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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