More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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