please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
