i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
