i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
so let's talk penis.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize
