I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
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