Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
