Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Randomize
