I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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