I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
