Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
