In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Four minutes until I can fart!
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Randomize
