He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
