The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
