The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
