Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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