Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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