They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Randomize
