so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Randomize
