just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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