We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
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