i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Randomize
