i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
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