I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
