Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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