so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
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