I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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