The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I'm way too hungover for life right now
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Randomize
