talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
