i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
