So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
