look no pants
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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