There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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