I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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