I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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