you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
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