o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Randomize
