I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
