Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
