Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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