We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I believe in your delicious
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
