Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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