So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
